Preamble
With Chelsea as good as through to the knockout stages of this year's Champions League and looking forward to Sunday's Premiership encounter against Manchester United, conspiracy theorists are suggesting they'll roll over tonight in a bid to ease Werder Bremen's passage through to the last 16 at the expense of rivals Barcelona, who play Group F whipping boys Levski Sofia tonight.
Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has rubbished suggestions that his team won't be trying too hard, having declared "I only play football to lose when I play against my kids". We can only speculate as to the amount of moaning and whingeing referee Mrs Mourinho has to listen to on the frequent occasions young Tita and Zuca run rings around their daddy in the park or back garden.
Although I've no doubt we'll see several of Chelsea's players rolling over (and over and over) this evening, I don't buy into any of this guff about them doing it en masse, but I suppose only time and the scoreline will tell. Werder Bremen will certainly be trying their damndest here, as a win for them would mean anything less than maximum points from the six currently available to Barcelona would result in the champions being eliminated at the group stages.
Werder Bremen: 18-Tim Wiese; 8-Clemens Fritz, 29-Per Mertesacker, 4-Naldo, 5-Pierre Wome; 24-Tim Borowski, 22-Torsten Frings (c), 10-Diego, 20-Daniel Jensen; 11-Miroslav Klose, 23-Hugo Almeida.
Subs: Reinke, Pasanen, Vranjes, Hunt, Andreasen, Klasnic, Schulz.
Chelsea: 23-Carlo Cudicini; 14-Geremi, 26-John Terry (c), 9-Khalid Boulahrouz, 3-Ashley Cole; 5-Mickael Essien, 4-Claude Makelele, 13-Michael Ballack, 10-Joe Cole; 11-Didier Drogba, 12-John Obi Mikel.
Subs: Hilario, Shevchenko, Robben, Diarra, Ferreira, Wright-Phillips, Morais.
Referee: Lubos Michel (Slovakia) Pre-match niceties
The referee leads both teams out of the tunnel of the Weserstadion. Werder Bremen's players are wearing fetching green and white shirts, white shorts and white and green socks. Chelsea's sport black, with white stripes. They line up for the fancy music before shaking hands, while managers Jose Mourinho and Thomas Schaaf (Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about? Schaef!) head for their respective dug-outs. Werder Bremen kick-off and we're off.
1 mins: Werder launch an early sortie, but John Terry is on hand to mop up at the edge of the Chelsea box. The visitors clear. Both teams are playing a diamond sghape in a narrow midfield, with Joe Cole playing furthest up for Chelsea and John Obi Mikel taking up a space on the left side of midfield.
2 mins: While facing his own goal-line and trying to shepherd the ball out of play, Ashley Cole is needlessly upended by Miroslav Klose. Free-kick for Chelsea, deep in their own territory.
4 mins: "I'm sure I'm not the only one who would like to know how many emails you get tonight which rabidly and completely incorrectly accuse you of anti-Chelsea bias," asks Andrew Morgan. "Any chance of a tally at full-time?" I'll see what I can do, Andrew, although their may not be enough room in my inbox for many more, what with all the emails I get accusing me of anti-Liverpool, anti-Bolton bias and anti-England bias. To be honest, there aren't enough hours in the day for me to nurse all the grudges I'm supposed to have against all these teams I couldn't give two hoots about. Corner for Werder, which Frings sends in to the box. His delivery is poor and Chelsea clear. Frings can only get better.
7 mins: Starting on the right side of their own half, Fritz, Frings and Borowski combine well to get the ball out to Wome, who is wide on the left. His deep cross is wonderful, but eludes the reach of both strikers by a matter of centimetres.
9 mins: A long ball is pumped into the Chelsea box, which Terry sends across the edge of the six-yard box with a perfectly cushioned header. With the goal at his mercy and the ball begging to be buried, John Obi Mikel heads over. That won't get him back into the Special One's good books.
12 mins: Moments after Almeida went close for Werder Bremen with a low shot dragged wide of the right upright, Cudicini is forced to save well from a low Diego drive from distance.
16 mins: Almeida gets goal-side of Geremi and latches on to a beautifully weighted through-ball from Diego. With only Carlo Cudicini to beat, he scuffed a poor shot wide of the upright, albeit under pressure from Geremi. It's a lively game this - both teams are up for it.
18 mins: "Is it just me or does anyone else imagine Mourhino playing with his kids in the same way that Competitive Dad used to play with his children in the Fast Show?" asks Andy Bradshaw. "I think that the first time his kids beat him he stormed off in a utter huff and never played sport with them again. Are your over-by-over reporters warming up for tonight's cricket with a few cheeky pints down the Dog and Duck, just so Rob Smyth's in the right Stella-fuelled-rant-mode to get him through the night?" Au contraire, Andy - Rob is doing his stretches on a yoga mat in the footwell opf his desk as I type. At least I think he's stretching - there's certainly a lot of huffing and puffing coming fomr under there. He's wearing a thong not dissimilar in style to Borat's and beside himself with excitement at the prospect of the first ball of the Ashes series being bowled in anger tonight. Don't forget to tune in to his report ...
22 mins: Not much going on at the moment, with players from both teams getting penalised for assorted niggly fouls.
23 mins: "Your commentary is too slow, Barry" whines Tarek Hamze in Canada. "I get faster updates on the Uefa website. You're not even trying to be funny. I suppose you can call it hour-by-hour halfwit commentary."
24 mins: I guess that makes two of us who aren't even trying to be funny then, eh?
26 mins: From a Torsten Frings corner, Per Mertesacker shakes off his marker, Didier Drogba, and fires an unstoppable header into the Chelsea goal.
27 mins: Moments before he scored, Mertesacker had missed an equally straightforward opportunity - the marking was non-existent. Interestingly, Werder Bremen won the two corners as a result of a free-kick Frings earned by taking a blatant dive. Even more interestingly, you're only finding out all this information now because Tarek Hanze was wasting my time - time that could have been better spent describing what's going on in this match - with his ham-fisted attempts at satire.
31 mins: The peculiarly monikered B. Lo has written in to voice his displeasure at my failure to mention what he describes as my anti-Manchester United bias. "If further proof of your anti-Manchester United bias was required, this is it," he sniffs. Or words to that effect.
33 mins: Michael Bollock makes a complete ballacks of a fantastic scoring opportunity. Joe Cole sent a waist-high cross in to the near post with the outside of his left foot, and using neither head nor foot, the on-rushing Ballack attempted to "thigh" the ball home, making it easy for Tim Weise in the Werder goal.
36 mins: Chelsea attack, but Boulahrouz does well to race across his own box and dispossess Frings, who ain't what he used to be.
38 mins: "What does Michael Richards think about Chelsea?" asks Ewan Benson, referring to our picture caption. "He thinks they're a bunching of overpaid, diving, cheating prima donnas, of course. Even a talentless racist comic in LA knows that." It's a bit harsh of you to describe Michael Richards like that, Ewan. At the risk of sounding pedantic, I'd like to point out that Michael Richards is a racist actor, not a racist comic. Indeed, for the sake of my future Seinfeld DVD viewing pleasure, I'm still clinging to the hope that this unfortunate Michael Richards incident will turn out to be part of some elaboarte hoax masterminded by Larry David for an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
40 mins: "As a Chelsea fan forced to follow this via the internet I'm disgusted by your obvious bias. How dare you report that Bremen goal?" asks Paul Creasy, who's got me bang to rights. Paul, maybe you should look for a rolling report on a less biased website Chelsea might be a couple of goals up.
43 mins: Another fine cross from the left by Pierre Wome puts Chelsea on the back foot. With goalkeeper Carlo Cudicini claiming the ball had actually gone out of play, Torsten Frings takes on one Chelsea defender too many and loses possession. I understand that Michael Flatley is in the process of choreographing a dance extravaganza based on the German midfielder's life. I assume it will glory in the name: Lord Of The Frings.
Half-time analysis
"How does Tarek Hamze expect us to get timely Champs League info if he's wasting your time with pointless emails?" asks Stuart Henry, not unreasonably.
"Again we hear that tired worn-out cliché," writes CT Bold. "I'm sick of people laying off their woes on Tarek Hanze. Get on with it."
"Doesn't it bother you that no one likes you and the general feeling seems to be that you should perhaps step aside for someone who is funny, witty, knows what they are talking about etc?" asks Christopher Wefing, licking his forefinger and holding it in the air so as to accurately gauge the prevailing mood of over-by-over readers scattered across the globe. Unlike me, Christopher is obviously so popular and loved that he spends his evenings firing off what he perceives to be psychologically crushing emails to complete strangers in which he points out their myriad shortcomings.
To answer your question, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. What's more, if you happen to encounter anyone you think might fit the bill in one of the many chat-rooms I'm sure you spend your spare time looking for pretend girlfriends in, please point them in my direction. Honestly ...
45 mins: I think Chelsea kick-off, but I'm not sure as I'm barely able to see what's happening on the television in front of me. My vision is still blurred by the salty tears prompted by Christopher Wefing's insensitive remarks at half-time. I'm not sure what gives him the right to criticise the way I do my job. After all, it's not as if I go around to where he works and show him how to sweep up.
48 mins: Free-kick from Werder Bremen, wide on the right after Klose went down very, very easily under "a challenge" from Boulahrouz. It's fired in to the Chelsea penalty area, but Cudicini puts it out from the corner. Chelsea clear, eventually.
52 mins: Christopher Wefing is back, and this time he's ... mildly perturbed. "I am interested in football and having a laugh and I don't have a TV and I live outside the UK so I rely on text commentary for the footy and the laughs. And I like many others I am bored with you," he writes, after cutting the first sentence of his missive out of his Soulmates advert and pasting it in here to save time. I'm even more bewildered than usual now - was there some survey done that I'm unaware of? And when did all you treacherous swine appoint football- and laugh-loving exile Christopher your shop steward?
55 mins: Cudicini parries well from a Diego drive, then plucks the ensuing corner, also struck by Diego, from the sky. Didier Drogba goes down injured before hobbling off. Chelsea substitution: John Obi Mikkel (who's been dreadful) off, Arjen Robben on. Drogba off, Andriy Shevchenko on.
59 mins: Chelsea launch a blistering counter-attack, with Andriy Shevchenko galloping down the right wing with the ball at his feet. With Arjen Robben unmarked and roaring for the ball in the middle, the Ukrainian manages to rifle his low cross against Mertesacker, the only Werder Bremen defender to be seen on my TV screen.
63 mins: Shevchenko is put through with a neat through-ball, but can't shake off Mertesecker, the goalscorer, who does well to dispossess him.
68 mins: Bad news for Chelsea fans - now Michael Ballack is hobbling after getting his calf accidentally raked by Pierre Wome's studs. Chelsea get a free-kick about 30 yards out, just left of centre. Shevchenko brings a smart save out of Tim Weise, who saw it late.
70 mins: A good question here, from Jeremy Solomon. "Was Drogba unlikely to play against Man Utd on Sunday injured, or just hobbling for the TV cameras and will be alright in a minute injured?" he asks. I'd go for the latter if I had to have a bet on it, Jason, but that's only because of his "previous" in the field of feigning injury. He didn't have to be carried off on a stretcher, but he was helped down the tunnel. In order to protect myself from further allegations of anti-Chelsea bias, I should probably add that Michael Ballack has received some treatment on his thigh and seems to be okay.
73 mins: Both sides are probing and probing like aliens busying themselves with a couple of rednecks from the Deep South. The game is still wide open, but neither side looks much like to scoring.
74 mins: Apart from Chelsea, that is. They go close when a Joe Cole daisy-cutter across the face of goal brings a fine save out of Tim Weise, who dived low and to his right to palm the ball around the post. It turns out that Cole was offside, but neither he nor the goalkeeper knew that when he pulled trigger.
76 mins: Chelsea substitution: Michael Ballack off, Shaun Wright-Phillips on. For Werder Bremen, meanwhile, Tim Borowski picks up what I think is the match's first yellow card for a mistimed tackle.
78 mins: John Terry picks up a yellow card which will see him suspended for Chelsea's next, probably meaningless, Champions League match against Levski Sofia. Clever boy. Werder Bremen substitution: Daniel Jensen off, Aaron Hunt off.
80 mins: Fair play to you all - you're nothing if not predictable. The first of the Andy Hunt/Michael Richards gags have started trickling in via email. Careful now - you know I can't publish them.
82 mins: "Most of Chelsea's attacks are getting Klosed down well, it was probably a Wiese move to Fring on Robben for Mikel. Its Essential that they get a bit Werder," writes Tony Tyler, who sounds like his job might be court jester in the Christoppher Wefing entourage.
85 mins: Far from sitting back and defending their one-goal lead, Werder Bremen are taking the game to Chelsea at every opportunity. Hugo Almeida sends a surface-to-air screamer fizzing over the Chelsea bar, then moments later, Michael Essien sends a similar effort wide.
88 mins: Werder Bremen substitution: Hugo Almeida (striker) off, Christian Schulz (left-sided defender) on.
90 mins: With Barcelona winning 2-0 in Sofia, this group is going to go down to the wire and one very good team - possibly the reigning champions - is going to be eliminated in the last round. Chelsea are turning the screw here, making a mockery of all you cynics who thought they might not be too bothered about the outcome of this game. That said, I hasten to add that I still think they're a big bunch of whining, diving Jessies. After all, I've an undeserved reputation for anti-Chelsea bias to maintain, after all.
90+2 mins: The noise in the stadium is deafening as the home fans will their side to hang in there for a famous victory. Carlo Cudicini launches a goal-kick down the field and the referee brings proceedings to a close with three shrill blasts on his shiny whistle. Chelsea have now qualified for the knockout stages, while anything other than a win for Barcelona over Werder Bremen at the Nou Camp will see the holders eliminated and the German side in the last 16. Right, that's me done for the night - I'm off to lie down in a darkened room and wish I was as cool and popular with the ladies as Christopher Wefing is. Thanks for your time and your emails. Good night, all.